Wits, Quotes, Philosophy and Jokes


If you're going through hell, keep going.
(Winston Churchill)

A cost is always more bearable if someone else pays it.

If a thing is worth doing, it's worth overdoing.

There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness. Somedays you have a hobby, other days the hobby has you.

If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint", then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.
(Van Gogh)

Human nature is to blame the tool, not the operator.

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

I'm as uncompetitive as anyone, in fact, I'm the most uncompetitive, so I win.

It's not how fast you drive, but how you drive fast.

Work is good - without it my fish go hungry.
(Greg Rothschild)

There's no such thing as "too cheap", just "not good enough".

Water is what keeps a ship floating, but it is also what sinks it.

Ownership does not an expert make.

It was funny until someone got hurt. Then it was hilarious!

Weaseling out of things is good. It's what separates us from the other animals - except weasels.
(Homer Simpson)

Sometimes you are the bug and sometimes you are the windshield.

Anytime you start to let the camera decide what to do, you give it a chance to screw up.

The joy of photography is being there when you take the picture.

I have not failed. I've just found ten thousand ways that won't work.
(Thomas Alva Edison)

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam."

Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Those who quote me are fools.

Sanity is way overated. Can I get out of my cell now?

Rident stolidi verba Latina. ~ Fools laugh at the Latin language.

Mendacem oportet esse memorem. ~ A liar must be good at remembering.

Exigo a me non ut optimis par sim, sed ut malis melior. ~ I require myself not to be equal to the best, but to be better than the bad.

Assiduus usus uni rei deditus et ingenium et artem saepe vincit. ~ Constant practice devoted to one subject often outdues both intelligence and skill.

Worker bees can fly, even drones can fly away, the queen is their slave.

Hey, if it's on the Internet, it MUST be true!

Relax, Max. Don't be stupid. You know I love you.
(Shania Twain)

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Nothing can be made foolproof, because fools can be so ingenious.

Anyone is welcome to challenge my theory, as long as I'm still right.

Never walk away from a running python.

Practice makes training.

You give, you get. You take, you lose.

You always miss all of the shots that you don't take.
(Wayne Gretzky)

Everything is easy unless you make it difficult.

If you fight fire with fire you will end up with ashes.

If you walk into the tigers cave you can't blame 'em if they lick their lips occasionally.

Do what I say, 'cause I said it!

A real aquarist always has atleast one wet arm.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

If you want to find an honest person - become one.

Laziness is the mother of inventions.

The grass is always greener on Wembley.

If violence does not work, more violence will.

The one who waits for someone who never shows up, waits in vain.

Before you criticize a person, walk a mile in that persons shoes. That way you are a mile away and have the persons shoes too.

If wishes were horses, we'd all have to watch where we stepped.

R U l1some 2nite? Do U Ms me 2nite?
(Elvis on a chatboard.)

You can't seem to be bothered to use two keystrokes rather than one, to write "to" instead of "2". Judging from the fact that one button press "2" is better than two "to" to you, it's probably either way too hard or way too much trouble.
(English teacher on a chatboard.)

Failure is a great teacher.

A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer.
(R.W. Emerson)

It ain't a sport if it can't kill ya!
(Sports Radical)

Even the best can make mistakes, as I have now proven.

You don't have to be the fastest person running from the bear, but faster than the slowest person running from the bear.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder!

Was heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando: "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

I'm stupid!
- Do you hear that?
- That is me arguing with you...

Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.

What you don't remember, has not happened.

Don't turn the other cheek. Hire a lawyer.

I Will Stand Like A Rock
I Will Bend Till I Break Till There's No More To Give
I Will Risk Everything
I Will Fight I Will Bleed
I Will Lay Down My Life
I Will Lay Down My Heart My Body My Soul
I Will Hold On All Night And Never Let Go
If That's What It Takes
(Celine Dion)

Those who say that true happiness only derives from malicious pleasure are either joking or evil.

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?  Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!  Try it now! Follow this simple procedure:

1) Hold down the shift key.

2) Hit the 4 key four times.

Microsoft is not just the biggest fish in the sea, they're the water most of us swim in.

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

A guy finds an old bottle, picks it up, wipes it off, and pulls out the stopper. After a flash of light and a puff of smoke a Genie appears and, after the standard "thank you for releasing me" etc. etc., the Genie grants the guy a wish.

The guy says "I love driving so much and I love Hawaii. How about a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive my car there".

"But Master", says the Genie, "that would not be possible! The bridge would be almost 4000 miles long! It would require floating gas stations, hotels, restaurants, and the environmental issues alone make this impossible. Please, is there something else I can grant you".

"Well", the guy says,"How about you fix it so I can understand women"?

The Genie says, "So you want two or four lanes on that bridge"?

If you ever drop your camera into a river of molten lava, let it go, because,'s gone!

Sometimes I do get to places just when God's ready to have somebody click the shutter.
(Ansel Adams)

There are always two people in every picture: The photographer and the viewer.
(Ansel Adams)

You don't take a photograph, you make it.
(Ansel Adams)

The level of quality is poor. I was nervous and excited at the same time. On several occasions I stopped taking what was some excellent shots out of fear of being caught in this extreme situation. If you are going to take pictures of lions on safari do not get out of the jeep or if you want to capture a shark in the ocean, stay in the cage man. I was lucky to even get this picture of this woman...

Every photograph is the result of many subjective choices by the photographer. Does a photo of a smiling child "tell the truth" (ie, is "genuine") when the photographer excluded the father beating the mother just outside the frame? How about a pic of the landing of a huge punch by a boxer who lands only that ONE punch in the entire fight and loses badly? How about a series documentary images, when the photographer has a really severe axe to grind? There's no such thing as a "genuine" photograph.

You can tell the truth a thousand times but get caught in ONE lie and your reputation can be turned into garbage for the rest of your life.

"Once the subjects spots you, it's over". Meaning that when your subjects know they are being photographed, you are no longer doing photojournalism.

Instead of doing aquariumphotography you can buy an underwater housing for your camera and go scuba diving in tropical oceans. Sure it's less convenient and way more difficult, but at least it costs a lot more!

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

At a recent PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A rep from the company was just about to start the demo and he asked everyone in the room to please quite down.  The rep "shelled" out to a DOS prompt to demonstrate how well the software would work in all applications.

All eyes were turned towards the huge monitors showing the infamous C:> that was on the computer.

Just then, someone in the back of the room yelled,


And, some fool chimed right in:


Unfortunately the software worked just fine.

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques for my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
It's rarely ever wrung.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in every weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you notice that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Two bachelors sat talking and their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

Bachelor 1: I got a cookbook once, but I could never do anything with it.

Bachelor 2:Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?

Bachelor 1: You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way: "Take a clean dish and..."

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

  • Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
  • Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
  • Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  • What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
  • When I erase a word with a pencil eraser, where does it go?
  • Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
  • Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
  • I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
  • I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
  • If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

  • Extensive research has proven that I am, indeed, a carbon based life form.
  • I'm faster than an unfired bullet.
  • I usually remember to take the shell off an egg before eating it.
  • I have never stopped to think and forgotten to start again.

It never seems like there is enough time to do everything, does it?

Well let us take a class in time management. Walk into the classroom, choose a desk near the back (like you did in school), slip into the seat and take your pencil and notepad out of your backpack.

The professor walks into the room carrying an empty 10-gallon water jug and dragging an obviously heavy bag. He places them on his desk. Without a word, he begins placing white rocks, just big enough to fit through the mouth of the jug, into the jug until they reach the very top. "Is it full?" he asks. You nod.

"Maybe not," he says. He then stuffs tiny pebbles into the jug and the pebbles find their way through the cracks in the rock. "Full now?" he asks. The whole class nods.

He then shovels sand into the jug, occasionally shaking the jug, and the tiny grains sift through the rocks and pebbles. "OK," he says, "now is it full?" The class nods in unison.

He smiles. He then slowly pours water into the jug until a water glass is finally empty.

"The lesson here," he says, "is that there is always more room in our lives than we think there is. When you think you are out of time, there is still more available if you look for it."

Here’s the time-saving payoff:

The ROCKS are the important things we have to accomplish regularly to be successful. They go into our "time jug" first, because they are most important. The PEBBLES represent those things we may not like to do, but we must do. They go in next. The SAND represents things that we should do, we may even like to do, but they’re not as important. The WATER represents the few remaining things that make a difference. If you reverse the order, putting in the water, then the sand, then the pebbles, there will not be enough room for the rocks. So prioritize your activities and make sure the rocks go on your schedule first.

Is there intelligent life on earth? When we see all the hate, terrorism, environmental problems, wars and conflicts ... it can sometimes be hard to think so.

Even the sun has spots, but I think there are atleast some human and animal individuals on earth that can be considered somewhat intelligent.

Unfortunately many humans often use their brains for evil and selfish plans and I think that is what has caused most of the conflicts on earth plus pollution and other problems. Humans have become powerful rulers of this planet. With great power comes great responsibility, but most human leaders fail to see things in a larger perspective the way I think they should.

How many governments try to find sustainable environmental solutions that can last atleast a few thousand years, not to mention millions of years even though it's quite important to the long term survival and prosperity of our species and all other life on earth? Still, such thoughts are suppressed by short term economical goals for the next few years, decades or centuries. Now that is not very intelligent in my opinion.

Hopefully there are other more intelligent life forms in our universe that are better than humans on how to see things in a large perspective. I suspect that if creatures with a mind similar to humans have developed on other planets, most of those species have probably already destroyed their own planets in a similar way that humans have come a long way of doing with earth. Not a happy thought. Maybe the key to long term success for life in the universe is to never have a single species with a high IQ become so powerful that it can rule the planet it is living on? I hope that is not the case.


© Copyright Max Strandberg